Enthusiastic consent: Deepening connection and introspection

Talking about sex can feel awkward. It is vulnerable to be seen in such an intimate way, to communicate our desires, our boundaries, and our fantasies. What if you are judged? What if your partner sees you differently? It can feel safer to keep things inside; to secretly hope that your partner will touch you the way that you want or ignore it if something doesn’t feel good.

Over time this can create a disconnect from both our partners and ourselves. Sex can become associated with something that doesn’t feel fulfilling or feels painful or uncomfortable. We also lose contact with our own inner knowing and our bodies. 

Enthusiastic consent is a portal to deeper self-awareness and deeper intimacy. To know your partner and be known by your partner in such a vulnerable way can be such a gift, such a powerful expression of trust and love, and healing.

Connecting with the way that your body lights up and the way that your body contracts. What makes your body feel alive? Feel full of pleasure and joy and connection? What makes your body shut down? In what ways has your body been telling you that something doesn’t feel right for it? What has prevented you from listening to this inner wisdom?

The “yes, no, maybe list” can be a tool to facilitate this communication and this introspection. How often do we really sit with our fantasies, desires, and our boundaries? Our sexuality might change over the course of our lives and relationships. You may discover new layers of your pleasure, new boundaries, or new fantasies as you reflect on this list. 

As you connect with the “yes, no, maybe list,” as yourself:

• What makes your body light up? 

• What makes your body shut down and contract? 

• In what ways has your body been telling you that something doesn’t feel right for it? 

• What has prevented you from listening to this inner wisdom?

Put a yes, no, or maybe next to each sexual act. Connect with how your body feels as you reflect on it.

Penetrative Sex

Penetration (receiving)

Penetration (giving)

Specify:

• Penile-vaginal

• Toy

• Finger

Oral sex

Giving oral sex

Receiving oral sex

Mutual oral sex

Masturbation/Manual Sex

Masturbating in front of your partner

Watching your partner masturbate

Mutually masturbating

Touching your partner’s genitals

Receiving your partner’s touch on your genitals

Anal

Anal penetration (receiving) 

Anal penetration (giving)

Specify:

• Toy

• Fingers

• Penis

Anal external touching (giving)

Anal external touching (receiving)

Analingus (receiving)

Analingus (giving)

Sacred Sexuality/Tantra

Eye Gazing

Deep breathing

Slow Sex

Tantric massage

BDSM/kink

Being tied up

Specify:

Tying up a partner

Specify:

Being submissive

Specify:

Being dominant

Specify:

Blindfolding

Being blindfolded

Receiving pain

Specify:

Providing pain

Specify:

Role-play

Write your own:

This list is just a small list of the many different sexual experiences that you can reflect on. As you explore your yeses, nos, and maybes, connect with your body and your sense of inner knowing. Recognize if you experience any shame for what feels pleasurable or exciting for you. Notice if you feel any internalized pressure to enjoy something that you actually don’t. Everyone’s experience of sexuality is unique. Giving yourself permission to know yourself in this way and to share this can be liberating and powerful. If you have a partner, learning more about them can be so intimate and connecting. You don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel right for you, just like your partner doesn’t, but having these discussions creates more safety, self-awareness, and intimacy.