Talking about sex can feel awkward. It is vulnerable to be seen in such an intimate way, to communicate our desires, our boundaries, and our fantasies. What if you are judged? What if your partner sees you differently? It can feel safer to keep things inside; to secretly hope that your partner will touch you the way that you want or ignore it if something doesn’t feel good.

Over time this can create a disconnect from both our partners and ourselves. Sex can become associated with something that doesn’t feel fulfilling or feels painful or uncomfortable. We also lose contact with our own inner knowing and our bodies. 

Enthusiastic consent is a portal to deeper self-awareness and deeper intimacy. To know your partner and be known by your partner in such a vulnerable way can be such a gift, such a powerful expression of trust and love, and healing.

Winter solstice marks the shortest day and the longest night of the year. Humans, throughout history, have had a deep connection with the cycles of the Earth, the moon, and the seasons. Winter solstice has often been a time of deep reflection and preparation for the upcoming lighter months. 

Journey Inwards

In this time of darkness, we can focus on going inwards. Our society often encourages us to push ourselves, shut down our body’s needs, and focus on productivity. What this means is that rest, replenishment, and deep introspection can easily become deprioritized. This experience of disconnecting from our needs can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and depletion. You might feel too tired to have sex, too overwhelmed to have a deep connection with your partner, or too drained to connect with your joy, passion, vitality, and creativity. 

If sex brings up a trauma response, you might be feeling frustrated, lonely, or resigned to the idea that sex won’t ever feel good. You may be avoiding sex, having disconnected sex, or feeling anger, guilt, or shame after sex. If you resonate with any of these experiences, you are not alone. Each person’s sexual healing journey is different, but there are some practices that can help you find your unique healing path, honor where you are in this moment, and discover your authentic sexuality. 

When we have had sexual trauma, our bodies often end up carrying those stored memories and responses. This can impact many areas of life, especially sex and relationships. It can feel incredibly isolating and frustrating. You want so desperately to feel carefree and to have this beautiful, pleasurable sex that everyone talks about, but you don’t know how.

The witch archetype has been shown to be both disconnected from sexuality and tapped into a wild, raw, spiritual and embodied sexuality. When we see the elder witch in stories, she is often an isolated hermit in the woods or a shut out from society. She is disconnected from sexuality and her beauty. This message of disconnect is a powerful and painful message that we may have internalized. Perhaps you have been taught that you cannot enjoy your sexuality as you age, that your body needs to look a certain way to feel pleasure, or that your authentic sexuality is not sacred or acceptable and should be cast away, pushed down, or repressed. 

The witch is an archetype that has been part of multiple cultures throughout history. The witch archetype is complex, representing multiple dualities- persecution and freedom, dangerous destructor and sacred wise healer, the maiden and crone, wild sexuality and disconnected sexuality. 

Through connecting with the witch archetype, we are offered a portal into our own wisdom, our own duality, and our own authenticity. Each aspect of the witch is complex and layered. Through self-reflection we can begin our path towards wholeness and inner healing. 

Persephone, goddess and queen of the underworld, is an archetype that represents the duality of our human experience, our path towards wholeness, and recovery from trauma. 

Persephone’s myth can be a guide for many aspects of healing including sexual healing. Sexuality can be an experience of duality; particularly if we have had trauma, experienced shame, or felt disempowered. Sex can be orgasmic, healing, joyful, and connecting. It can also be painful, disconnected, and triggering. Persephone shows us that we can hold space for both of these experiences. She also teaches us that, no matter what we have been through, we can have wholeness, we can have joy, we can have pleasure, and we can feel empowered. 

It can be hard to face our pain, our shame, our desires, and to learn to embrace our true self. Whether it was from our families, past traumas, or society, we have been taught how we “should” be, what parts of us are deemed unacceptable, and what parts of us are safe to share. These internalized messages contribute to developing a shadow; the parts of us that we judge, push away, or repress. Exploring our shadows and archetypes can help us to look at ourselves with more openness, curiosity, and compassion. It can help us to feel more whole, authentic, and embodied. 

Do you remember when just kissing your partner was exhilarating? When caressing their hand filled you with excitement? How sexy it was to discover their body for the first time? These are the feelings that so many people crave and are grieving when they seek sex or couples therapy. 

There are a number of circumstances and situations that can lead to sexual disconnect, but one of the most common that I hear is goal oriented and performance based sex.  Instead of sexuality being about discovery, gratitude, and erotic energy, it becomes routine and mechanical. Sex is no longer about savoring each other’s bodies, discovering new forms of pleasure, or being in sacred presence with each other. Instead it is about intercourse, orgasm, or trying to feel secure attachment through sex instead of addressing underlying emotional needs. 

Sexuality and sensuality are often used interchangeably, but they both offer different experiences and can be used to support different aspects of healing, connection, and self-discovery. 

Through sensuality, you can connect with pleasure in your body and with your surroundings. You can access sensuality through each of your five senses. Sensuality involves embodiment and can be separate from sexuality and sexual expression. Non-sexual ways to connect with sensuality include listening to music, viewing art, being in nature, dancing, getting a massage, beautiful scents, and having a luscious meal. 

Sexuality, on the other hand, involves sexual attraction, fantasies, desire, and orientation. It can include sexual arousal, erotic energy, sexual acts with a partner or partners, or masturbation. Sexuality, like sensuality, can be a deeply unique and personal experience. 

Have you ever felt stuck sexually? Sex might be fine or even good, but you know that it could be so much more. You might not even be sure what seems to be missing, but for some reason you keep getting in your head or worry about being judged or getting embarrassed. Authenticity is a practice that can transform your sex life. It is an inward journey of self-discovery that can deepen your relationship with both yourself and a partner.

The autumn equinox symbolically reflects a time of introspection, gratitude, and balance. The word equinox comes from Latin, meaning aequus (equal) and nox (night). This day of the year marks the beginning of autumn and consists of equal hours of daylight and darkness. 

Throughout history, people and communities have connected with the rhythms of the Earth, the moon, and seasons to mark new beginnings and deepen self-reflection. If you are on a sexual or personal healing journey, this is a great time of year to tap into this symbolism and connect with your inner wisdom and introspection.

Sensate focus was developed in the 1960s by Masters and Johnson, two pioneers in the study and research of human sexuality. Sensate focus was developed to help couples reduce spectatoring when having sex, which is the experience of getting in your head and focusing on performance versus pleasure and presence during sex. Examples of spectatoring could include thinking about your body or your sexual performance, worrying about how your partner is viewing you or about their sexual satisfaction, or feeling disconnected from your body and your physical sensations. 

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy that specializes in addressing sexual concerns such as pain during sex, erectile disorder, low desire, or difficulty orgasming. Sex therapy can also help individuals and couples increase sexual and relationship satisfaction. 

There are so many ways that we can practice self-care. Attending medical appointments typically isn’t something that we consider as self-care, but it can be an important aspect of caring for ourselves and our bodies.

If you have experienced trauma or had negative healthcare experiences, the idea of attending a medical appointment, especially for things such as pap smears, breast exams, or urology appointments, can be overwhelming.

A positive therapeutic alliance has been linked to having a successful experience in therapy. It is important to feel safe, supported, and empowered throughout the therapy process. Each client comes into therapy with unique experiences, strengths, and concerns just like each therapist has their own unique perspective, training and education, and approach.