Empowered and pleasurable sex after sexual trauma
If sex brings up a trauma response, you might be feeling frustrated, lonely, or resigned to the idea that sex won’t ever feel good. You may be avoiding sex, having disconnected sex, or feeling anger, guilt, or shame after sex. If you resonate with any of these experiences, you are not alone. Each person’s sexual healing journey is different, but there are some practices that can help you find your unique healing path, honor where you are in this moment, and discover your authentic sexuality.
Mindfulness and embodiment: When we have experienced trauma, our autonomic nervous system becomes activated. You may find that, whether you experience fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, you don’t feel connected to your body or to the present moment.
Through mindfulness and embodiment practices, you can start to connect with your senses and listen to your body and your inner wisdom.
Some practices that can support this journey include:
Slow sex
Massage and sensual touch
Empowerment and boundaries: Giving yourself permission to embrace your yeses and your nos can be an important part of trauma healing. This involves trusting your body, honoring your worth and giving yourself permission to have boundaries and say no when something does not feel good for you. Through the safety of boundaries, you will be empowered to connect with your pleasure, your yeses, and your sexuality from an embodied place.
To connect with empowering, safe, and boundaries sexuality, you can:
Feel into your body, notice in what ways do you feel contracted or expansive.
Connect with your inner safe place
Explore:
What makes your body feel alive, excited, and safe?
What makes it feel numb, disconnected, or constricted?
What can help you to honor what your body is telling you?
Self-compassion:
If you experience shame or guilt around sexuality, focusing on self-compassion can be powerful and healing. Shame and guilt can disconnect us from our bodies, pleasure, and sexual expansiveness and joy. Having compassion for your experiences and the ways that your body has tried to protect you can help you to feel more safe, to come back to yourself, release internalized messages, and find your inner wisdom voice.
Some steps you can take include:
Identifying your inner critic thoughts and naming them.
Example: “I notice that I am having an inner critic thought right now.”
Asking yourself how these inner critic thoughts have tried to protect you?
Example: “My inner critic thoughts are trying to keep me safe. I don’t want to feel humiliated or disempowered so I developed this part to try to keep me small and unseen.”
Reflecting on what ways your inner critic thoughts are not serving you anymore.
Example: “I am safe in my life now, I have a loving partner. I don’t need to be small anymore or keep myself under the radar. I want to feel safe and joyful in my life and having sex.”
Asking yourself what would you say to a friend?
Example: “I would tell a friend that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and that they deserve to feel happy and good.”
Learning about trauma response and honoring how you have tried to protect yourself and cope with trauma
Connecting with the Persephone archetype to help with integrating painful experiences and inner critic thoughts
There are many aspects to sexual healing after trauma. These practices and resources are here to support you in finding your path to joyful, pleasurable, embodied, and passionate sexuality. Your journey is uniquely yours. Your journey, at whatever pace feels right for you, is valid.