Moving from goal oriented sex to mindful sex
Do you remember when just kissing your partner was exhilarating? When caressing their hand filled you with excitement? How sexy it was to discover their body for the first time? These are the feelings that so many people crave and are grieving when they seek sex or couples therapy.
There are a number of circumstances and situations that can lead to sexual disconnect, but one of the most common that I hear is goal oriented and performance based sex. Instead of sexuality being about discovery, gratitude, and erotic energy, it becomes routine and mechanical. Sex is no longer about savoring each other’s bodies, discovering new forms of pleasure, or being in sacred presence with each other. Instead it is about intercourse, orgasm, or trying to feel secure attachment through sex instead of addressing underlying emotional needs.
Through pleasure focused sex, embodiment, and mindfulness, you and your partner can develop a new way of being sexual with each other. You can feel how turned on you get in your body when your partner kisses your neck, how pleasurable it feels for them to caress your arm, and how precious it is to feel their full presence with you and to share your full presence with them.
It can be hard to move from goal oriented sex to mindful and pleasure based sex. We are constantly getting messages about what sex should look like, how often couples should be having sex, or what new sexual position or toy will bring the passion back. Sex is inherently vulnerable. It is intimate. And it can be scary to be seen and to have sex from a place of mindfulness and embodiment. It is a leap of faith to believe that you and your partner can hold each other in this intimacy and rawness, that you can be present with each other in your pleasure, awkwardness, or when past wounds might resurface. It is the belief that you still have that erotic spark between you, even if it has felt dimmed these past years.
The first step of this journey towards releasing goal oriented sex and rebuilding sexual connection from a place of presence and embodiment is recognizing when you tend to get goal-oriented. The next time you are being sexual, notice if you are:
Focusing on orgasm instead of the full sexual experience
Rushing towards intercourse or penetration or any other sexual act
Worried about not being hard enough, wet enough, or about orgasming too quickly or not quickly enough
Wanting to have sex to feel reassured in the relationship
If any of these patterns resonate for you, start to explore them from a place of self-compassion and non- judgment. See what fears are underneath them and what needs you are trying to meet through goal-oriented sex.
Talk with your partner and start to open up a dialogue of emotional and sexual intimacy. Share if you have any fears about talking about sex. Share if you get in your head. Emotional intimacy and secure attachment are some of the most important foundations for pleasurable, passionate, and deeply satisfying sexual experiences.