Sensate focus for couples
Sensate focus was developed in the 1960s by Masters and Johnson, two pioneers in the study and research of human sexuality. Sensate focus was developed to help couples reduce spectatoring when having sex, which is the experience of getting in your head and focusing on performance versus pleasure and presence during sex. Examples of spectatoring could include thinking about your body or your sexual performance, worrying about how your partner is viewing you or about their sexual satisfaction, or feeling disconnected from your body and your physical sensations.
Sensate focus is a series of exercises that can help you to experience more pleasure, connection, and presence during sex. Sensate focus was originally developed to support couples in addressing their sexual concerns, but can also be adapted to be used individually. I will write a separate blog post about sensate focus for individuals.
Sensate focus can be used to increase sexual satisfaction and also address sexual concerns including mismatched desire, difficulty orgasming, connecting with sexuality after trauma, pain during sex, and erectile difficulties.
There are five stages of sensate focus, all with a focus on mindfulness, presence, and embodiment. It is recommended for both partners to be nude during sensate focus, but if this is uncomfortable for you, you can choose whatever state of undress feels right for you.
You and your partner can create a comfortable, safe space to practice sensate focus. Things to consider include the type of lighting in your room, temperature, the texture of bedsheets and blankets, and any scents in the room.
Planning for set days and times of the week to practice sensate focus (2-3 times a week if possible) is helpful, especially if you have busy schedules. This is your sacred time as a couple to connect and be present with each other.
As you get ready to embark on your sensate focus journey, remember that there is no right way to feel during this process, that you are both prioritizing your relationship and your sensuality by experiencing this together, and that you can take your time to truly savor this deepening of your connection with your senses and your partner.
Stage 1: Touching (excluding genitals and breasts)
You and your partner will take turns touching each other’s bodies. Focus on touching each other’s whole bodies, except for genitals and breasts. When you are touching your partner, focus on your own physical sensations instead of trying to give them pleasure or focusing on what they might be experiencing.
Notice how it feels to touch your partner and the sensations you experience in your hands, fingertips, and the rest of your body. If you start to get in your head, recognize this, take a breath, and then come back to your physical sensations.
Switch places after about 15 minutes.
When you are being touched by your partner, focus on your physical sensations while you are being touched. If you notice that you get in your head, acknowledge this with self-compassion and then take a breath and come back to your body and your sensations. If you are feeling ticklish or uncomfortable with an area that is being touched, you can engage in handriding, which is to gently and silently move your partner's hand to another area of your body. Try to stay connected to your own sensations throughout the process and to communicate nonverbally through handriding if you are uncomfortable where you are being touched so that you can focus on your body and stay in the moment.
Once you have completed the sensate focus practice, you and your partner can take some time to process with each other. Focus on sharing your own internal experience. Avoid critiquing or praising how your partner touched you or talking about your partner’s body. Instead, talk about the sensations in your body, your experience of engaging in the mindfulness practice, and how it felt to share the experience with your partner. You can continue this debriefing practice after each stage of sensate focus.
Stage 2: Genital and breast touching
There is no set timeline for moving through the stages of sensate focus. Move to stage 2 when both you and your partner feel ready and when you feel that you have developed a strong mindfulness practice during the first stage of sensate focus. This means that you notice when you are spectatoring and that you can come back to your sensations and to presence with your partner during the practice.
During stage 2, you and your partner will both take turns touching each other, with a focus on presence and on reducing spectatoring. The goal is not to give each other an orgasm, feel aroused or arouse your partner, or to be any specific way.
If you feel aroused as you are touching your partner or being touched by your partner, notice this and connect with your body’s sensations. If you orgasm or become aroused, that is okay, just continue to focus on your sensations and on continuing the practice. It is important to keep this practice non goal-oriented and to avoid any pressure.
Stage 3: Mutual touching, including genitals
In stage 3, you and your partner will both start to touch each other’s bodies simultaneously. You can lie next to each other, facing one another or sit on your partner’s lap. If there is another position that feels more comfortable for both of you, then you can move to that position.
Start touching each other’s bodies at the same time, focusing on your own sensations. Notice the texture and temperature of your partner's skin. Notice your partner’s touch against your own skin and the pressure and temperature of their touch. It can be difficult to balance focusing on your sensations of being touched and touching your partner. Take your time with this process and be gentle with yourself as you go through this new experience with your partner.
If there are any parts of your body that you would like your partner to explore, you can engage in positive handriding, where you move your partner’s hand silently to a part of your body that you find interesting, not that would give you more arousal. Again, with this stage, you are focusing on your sensations from a place of mindfulness and presence instead of being goal-oriented or performance based.
Stage 4: Genital to genital contact without insertion
This stage is built on the previous stages of sensate focus. You can continue to touch each other’s bodies mutually and take your time as you start to explore genital to genital contact. If you have a penis, you don’t need to be erect to explore this stage. Instead, focus on your sensations and what it feels like to have your partner’s genitals against your penis. If you have a vulva, you can rub your vulva against your partner’s genitals, exploring the different sensations as you are on top of them and noticing what you experience in your body. The goal is not orgasm or arousal, instead it is on being present in the experience.
You may notice arousal, wetness, or engorgement come and go throughout the sensate focus process or that you don’t experience these sensations. This is all welcome and to be expected. Notice these sensations and recognize any urges to become performance based or goal oriented. Come back to your breath and your body.
Debrief with each other after the experience. You can lie down with each other silently and with presence, hold each other, or talk about your own internal experience during the exercise.
Stage 5: Intercourse with and without movement
Start this process with all of the other stages of sensate focus, building up to insertion and intercourse.
If you and your partner do not have intercourse, you can continue to explore genital-to-genital contact, with movement and without movement, using the same principles as discussed below.
When you are starting intercourse, go very slowly. You don’t need to be fully erect during this stage. Focus on the experience and on the sensation as you begin insertion. Take deep breaths and notice the sensations in your body. You can engage in eye gazing during this stage as well to deepen presence. Continue to focus on presence and mindfulness during this stage, not on performance or on trying to feel any specific way.
Once you are ready to experience movement, continue to focus on sensations. The partner on top can start to gently explore different types of movement, not with a focus on orgasm or performance. This entire journey is centered around non-demand sensuality and presence. You can continue to touch each other’s bodies as you are engaging in intercourse, focusing on all of your sensations.
Once you have completed the practice, you can lie next to each other. You can talk and share your internal experience during the exercise or you can stay quietly and mindfully next to each other.
If either or both of you feels like you would like to have an orgasm, you can privately masturbate, masturbate your partner with your hands, or hold your partner while they masturbate.
If you would like to orgasm during intercourse, you can start a new sexual connection practice separate from sensate focus after you have debriefed and closed out your sensate focus practice. It is important to keep sensate focus and intentional orgasm separate so that sensate focus does not become goal oriented.
Sensate focus creates a foundation of presence, intimacy, and vulnerability, where you and your partner can connect with each other in a new way. Take your time with this process and continue to focus on connecting with yourself, your sensuality, and your partner through presence, compassion, and embodiment.